February 2, 2015

How to breakup and stay up

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It has taken me sometime to publicly share about my breakup but my fingers couldn’t seem to get past the pain in my heart. In the last two years, I became very familiar with feelings of hurt, despair, and brokenness. I had broken up with my [then] boyfriend of four years. He had been apart of me so long, that I didn’t know how to live or be social without him. This is not a rant about what happened and the details of that, so if you came here for that, you can X out of this post now (sowwieeee). This is a post for everyone that has felt hurt, or is still feeling hurt from a breakup. Along my journey of healing, I noted some pointers that I wanted to tell myself, after I was myself again. I hope it helps you like it did to me.

1. God’s Word

Seeing what God had to say about my situation gave me great peace in the middle of a crisis. He showed me that I was not alone, and that he also knows what it’s like to feel abandoned and unloved. After all, He’s been through all of those emotions. Four scriptures that comforted me were:

“…for I myself will help you, DECLARES The Lord.” – Isaiah 41:9-14

“…I DECLARE that I will give you double for your trouble…I am a prisoner of hope…” – Zechariah 9:12

“My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.” – Psalm 199:50

“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” – Isaiah 66:9


2. Make a ‘breakup but stay up’ playlist

Its not the same as saying let me just listen to some “positive” music that will make me feel better about myself and love songs that will say I’m right and the other person is wrong! It’s listening to music that edifies something wayyy deeper, your spirit and soul. If your spirit is glad, you wouldn’t have to force yourself to be happy. This is the great part about God, He ministers to every need we will ever have. Surround yourself with music that will minister to your spirit and soul. These are my top favs:

– Stronger by Mandisa

– Overcomer by Mandisa

– Good morning by Mandisa

– Its a beautiful day by Jamie Grace

–  Gold by Britt Nicole 

– Write Your Story by Francesa Battistelli 

– He said by Group 1 Crew


3. Talking out loud

“One good friend is better than 100 adversaries.”

Find someone that you can talk to, but make sure they’re trust-worthy, you don’t need a bunch of handshakes from the fakes, especially at this time. Just vent to them and if they’re a good person, they won’t judge you for whatever you say. Say how you truly feel, when you’re ready of course. Don’t keep all your emotions bottled up on the inside. That’s worse, because one day it will all leak out and it might not be pretty. I had the hardest time with this one, because there was not many people I could trust at that time, but all you need is one good friend or family member that will sit down and listen to you say the same things over and over, and then over again another day.


4. Patience

Let yourself heal, there’s no time-limit on how long a person must heal after they’ve gone through a break-up. Its been almost two years, and I’m still healing. I’m not where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. If you’re accustomed driving in the fast-lane of life, this will be a tough one. I became so impatient with myself, because I thought I should be over it by now. It’s okay!! Let God and time heal every last wound, after all, you were attached to this person for so long. You got all your feelings vested in them, you did things together, you texted or called each other every day, their friends were your friends, you created a soul-tie, and those things are hard to break. How long after a breakup should you get in another relationship? Well my dear, thats up to you and God. There’s no time-limit and God is more interested in the process than end result. However, don’t linger on it for too long, you’ve got your life to live!


5. Use the hurt for good

Don’t let this experience just go to waste, use it to create something new. During my challenging moments, I needed an avenue to do something I really enjoyed. I loved makeup, beauty, healthy eating, going to the gym, and blogging, thus That Khadine Project was born. It was like a breath of fresh air, it took me away from my problems, and it refocused my energy and time. I’m not saying to get busy and ignore the problems, but find something you love to do, which will help you heal. Now is the time to do YOU, and focus on making YOURSELF whole again. So when the next person comes around, and trust me they will, you won’t carry the pain of your past into another relationship.


6. Rebounds

BE VERY CAREFUL OF THE REBOUNDS! They lurk all over, in different shapes and forms. The convo usually starts off like, “Girl, I know how you feel. Give me your number so we can talk about it, I’m here for you….” R-U-N!!! You’re vulnerable at this point, remember that. You don’t want any “shoulders” to cry on that will turn around and ask you for your number. It’s not going to work because you’re not a whole yet, and they’re just taking advantage of that. Be free from any potential “relationship lurkers.” Boo bye.


7. Dear diary…

Get a diary, a blog, paint, draw, anything… Document your journey, and you can use it to help someone else in the future. I was re-reading my journal before writing this post, and I almost sound bipolar. “Dear diary, today I literally broke down crying…” ” Dear diary, I am so thankful, something amazing happened today…” “Dear diary, I’ve been feeling so peaceful and happy these past couple days..” “Dear diary, I’m so sad…” I look back on all what I’ve wrote, and I’m able to help others going through similar situations. Sometimes we heal so much, that we forget what it felt like. It’s good to also vent through writing if you have no one to talk to at the time. Just journal how you really feel everyday, and you’d be amazed to look back on your progress.


8. Closure

Bring the relationship to an end, mentally and physically. Go get your stuff from his/her house, take down all your pictures on Facebook (that’s why you shouldn’t have your business out there in the first place, I digress…), get rid of all the things that reopen memories, and would hinder the healing process. And tell yourself let it go…Trust God, He knows what He’s doing. I never got closure, but I created my own by telling myself I need to trust God even when I can’t see what He’s doing. God knows your future, He sees things you won’t. LET IT GO! He/She doesn’t want to talk about the situation….let it go. Close the chapter in your mind, and allow God to write another.


Final thoughts:

It’s hard to say all men are dogs, because women break men’s heart too. Everyone goes through breakups, its actually a part of life. The feelings of hurt and hopelessness will come. You’d feel like all the air and life was sucked out of you, especially if it ended badly. You will feel rejected or disappointed, you might even doubt your self-worth. But listen honey, no one is worth hurting yourself. God has a great plan in store for you, (“For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,” Jeremiah 29:11). God didn’t just make you so you can look pretty, go to school or work, eat and die. He has destiny and purpose for your life. He cheated on you, she cheated on you, lovers become strangers….but God owns the skies and still want your heart. You can make it on broken pieces, I did. Remember this, “All that left me couldn’t stay, and all that stayed couldn’t leave.” I love you and God loves you and you’re not alone.

Love,

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14 thoughts on “How to breakup and stay up

  1. Akela Wilson

    We know all these thing when it’s not us because it seem easy.. pal like to say why u just don’t more on but hurt from a breakup hurts the inside and as most would no inside wounds take the longest to heal even though the outer layer may seem all well. I can so relate to this Khadine. And sometimes we also have to remind ourself that Sunday school song “JESUP LOVE ME THIS I KNOW FOR THE BIBLE TELL ME SO….. YES JESUP LOVE ME, YES JESUP LOVE ME…

    This is your testimony and also a step future in overcoming because Revelation 12:11 KJV states “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony;

    Reply
  2. Nelle Bramble

    Good day
    Thank you for sharing your experience and for not bashing the person. I agree with your pointers and believe that God truly uses our experiences to help others. may God continue to take you through your journey and continue to jump over these hurdles as you grow from strength to strength and glory to glory.

    Reply
    1. Nelle Bramble

      Some other songs that
      are really inspirational include Turning around for me- Vashawn Mitchell
      Better- Jessica Reedy and
      I almost let go- Kurr Carr

      Reply
  3. K.

    Great advice. I love how you didn’t bash the person but just focused on how to move on.
    One thing though, your third scripture should be Psalm 119:50.
    Thanks again for an excellent read.

    Reply
  4. Emmanuelle

    Adoration by Forever Jones, Call His Name and God’s Grace by Trin-i-tee 5:7 are literally still getting me through this. Oh and Angels Watching Over Me by Virtue. Beautiful message here and spot on. I was in my relationship for almost ten years. It’s been almost 2 years since he broke up with me. It hurts like it was a few moments ago but by God’s grace alone I’m living and breathing and healing.

    Reply
  5. RB.

    Wow! Amazing! I’m now actually reading this post and I’m so proud of u! U are an amazing person w/ a great future and anyone who has left ur side along ur journey is just their loss! Keep moving forward ❤️

    Reply
  6. Khadine

    I can identify with everything you wrote. Even though it doesn’t stop the pain or heal the wounds that my breakup has caused me, it is good to know that other people have gone through what I am currently. This is really inspiring.

    Reply

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